Tastiest Reads

Primetime Park – Exhibit 9: X-Games Warehouse

PTP_Warehouse
Written by AJ Smith
In the words of the fearless Rob Dyrdek, this part of Primetime Park is all about relentlessly manufacturing amazing. Welcome to the Warehouse. Just like Rob’s Fantasy Factory, we’re about enabling the wildest, most adventurous, and biggest air dreams. Reminiscent of the lovely New Zealand, we’ve captured the best of winter and summer on opposite sides of the Warehouse by featuring the Summer X-games’ finest on the west side (west coast best coast…) and the Winter X-games’ most glorious on the east side (east coast BEAST coast…). Either way, your experience begins with a lengthy waiver-signing process (don’t worry, there’s super impressive touch screens and the Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 soundtrack is playing nonstop. After entering the human bubble wrap station (which apparently isn’t a thing yet, Wheelhouse Factory calls dibs…) you’re ready to roll.

Lay of the land:

 

 

Summer games: We spared no expense at Primetime Park. The west side of the Warehouse is equipped with courses fit for skateboarding, BMXing, motocross, aggressive (or chill, your call) inline skating, among other X-Games favorites. Wander over to the Wareswamp to try your hand at wakeboarding, bungee jumping, or cannonballing.

Winter games: Thanks to our state of the art snow-producing machines, it’s a frosty fortress up in here. Equipped with a half-pipe, street course, jumps, and bunny slope (I know what you’re saying… FINALLY!)… we’ve got a little somethin’ somethin’ for everyone! We’ve blended the top 5 east coast snowboarding parks into one epicenter of a winter wonderland. And just wait – There. Are. Snowmobiles!

Physical attractions:

 

Include, but are not limited to:

  • So many pipes: Get off your high (wink) horses, guys. We’re talking about quarter pipes, half pipes, big air pipes, and other excellent skating apparatuses (like rails for days) just ready for you to beef on.
  • Zero gravity skating chamber: For those particularly uncoordinated, but interested in feeling what it’s like to have Bucky Lasek’s hangtime – you’re in luck.
  • Bubble wrap battles: This barely has anything to do with anything, but after looking for human bubble wrap stations earlier, it only feels appropriate to feature in the Warehouse.
  • Snowmobile race wars: Basically, imagine Fast and the Furious meets snowmobiling from X-Games. It’s on like Donkey Kong.

Virtual simulations:

 

Include, but are not limited to:

  • Primetime hangtime: For those of us not quite crazy enough to try this out for real, we’ve got a much safer alternative. Throw on your Oculus Rift and get ready to sit on Bob Burnquist’s shoulder as he floats through the air, or Tony Hawk’s iconic 900.
  • Gnarly wave brah: For those of us that have always wanted to say that, but don’t have the swag, flowing blonde hair, or coordination to pull it off, it’s time to ride a wave with Kelly Slater. Simulate the best of the best moments he’s had amongst the mist (and yes, if you’re wondering, that sultry electro jam WILL be playing in the background).
  • Rallycross & off-road truck races: Channel your inner Travis Pastrana (the rallycross version, not the motocross version, unless you want to participate in the next simulation….) and challenge your friends (or that hot date) to a battle royale of magnificent proportions. .
  • Motocross magic: Okay, now it’s an appropriate moment to channel the motocross version of Travis Pastrana as you experience what it feels like to nail a triple backflip.

 

Competitions & interactive events::

 

Include, but are not limited to:

  • Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 tournament: PlayStation 2s will be everywhere. Rio will be on repeat. Top score of the day takes home a bungee plunge into the ball pit, Fantasy Factory style. Game face engaged.
  • Classic skate park tourney: Whether your go-to move is nailing that drop in, crushing an ollie, or busting a heel flip, it’s time to showcase your skills. The babes are watching.

 

Memorials & monuments:

 

Include, but are not limited to:

 

  • Tony’s 900: This deserves to be forever captured like a carbon-frozen Han solo.
  • The Flying Tomato: Imagine just a life-size gif of Shaun White doing tricks in a half pipe… could you look away? Would you want to?
  • Sal Masekela: The voice of X-Games. My skate park version of James Earl Jones.

This is a no judgment zone. Put on your thinking helmets and elbow pads and tell us how else we can enhance this daredevil’s paradise in the comments below.

About the author

AJ Smith

AJ has a bachelor degree in marketing and management as well as a master's degree in business administration. His specialties are basketball (letsgoo Suns!), baseball (letsgoo D-Backs/Bo-Sox!), football (letsgoo Cards and my "legendary for all the wrong reasons" fastasy football teams), early 2000s pop-punk, college gourmet culinary creations, Star Wars, bromance, cheese, and longwindedness.

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